What happens next? It’s not so simple as becoming a Muslim and everything is fixed. In fact, it is the beginning of getting fixed. I didn’t know this, then. The more I learn the religion, the more I see how we are in deep misguidance and drowning in sin. In this modern society.
Do people think once they say, “We believe,” that they will be left without being put to the test? The Quran, 29:2
We have been committing countless sins without even realizing it. If you have any doubts about our affairs as a human race, I invite you to watch the documentary/film, “Samsara”. It’s poignant. It is a film that elucidates the state of humanity.
Backbiting is a sin, that I was shocked to learn about. This has been so normalized in society today, you even see it on television. I remember only one or two instances when people I had met, visibly look uncomfortable when they noticed the act of backbiting. It made me ponder.
Only when I learned what it was, did I understand. It’s not that I went around bad-mouthing people, but I thought that if you spoke the truth about people it was okay. It’s not.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Do you know what backbiting is?” They said, “Allah and his messenger know best.” The Prophet said, “To mention your brother in a way he dislikes.” It was said, “What do you think if what I said about him is true?” The Prophet said, “If what you say about him is true, it is backbiting. If it is not true, it is slander.”
Sahih Muslim 2589
So I became a Muslim and had a shaky beginning. I needed community, guidance, and support to learn the religion. This is something reverts often don’t have, which I came to learn. I actually met racism instead. Even at the place where I was taught to pray! سبحان الله It turned me off, and this was nothing new. Racism.
I didn’t seek the knowledge I needed, and I didn’t really understand what I needed to do. I wasn’t compelled and didn’t even realize how much I needed help. I didn’t understand the gravity of it. I took it easy, I did my own thing.
And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sâbirun (the patient) The Quran, 2:155
I remember watching videos of Ahmed Deedat even much before I considered Islam. I loved him, even as a free thinker. He had such a powerful presence, eloquence and I loved his candor. He completely dismantled Christian preachers and demonstrated such clarity in his speech. He definitely influenced my impression of Islam.
I never considered Islam because no one ever brought the theological argument of Islam. It is truly a Godless society we are living in, how often is God mentioned in our conversations? One of the most beautiful things I realized, later on, is that God is always on the tongue of Muslims. Practicing Muslims always thanking and glorifying God in their speech.
I thought about what becoming a Muslim meant, and what kind of a life it would be. About what I had to leave, in terms of lifestyle. The image of Islam portrayed by Muslims around me was not positive. I didn’t want to enter another cultural system.
I have always intuitively looked at character. If the character of the people is good, then they must be upon goodness. It’s simple like that. One doesn’t even need theological discussions because our character reflects our spirituality.
My ego also stopped me from looking into Islam, when Shaykh Ahmad Deedat was calling to my intellect. The ego wants comfort and ease, not that which will require change and sacrifice. This is the reality of things and something that only Islam has taught me.
All that I tried to understand about the ego, to develop or free myself is infinitesimal in comparison to what I have learned from the religion of Islam. This is the highest path. This is the peak of excellence. This is the path of submission, to our One, Ever-Living God.
Ibn Al-Qayyim reported:
وَيَقُولُ الْآخَرُ لَوْ عَلِمَ الْمُلُوكُ وَأَبْنَاءُ الْمُلُوكِ مَا نَحْنُ فِيهِ مِنَ النَّعِيمِ وَالسُّرُورِ لَجَالَدُونَا بِالسُّيُوفِ
Some of the scholars would say: If the kings of the world and their sons knew what we have of blessings and happiness, they would fight us for it with their swords.
Al-Jawab Al-Kafi wa Ta’reekh Dimshaq 4475
This is not some new age subculture, not another man-made religion. You don’t treat it like a side project. This is screaming for a “one does not simply” meme, isn’t it?
Trials came. I was tested by Allah عزوجل with fear. I went through great difficulties and lost my spirit, my hope, my confidence. I started to have anxiety. At my lowest point, my heart was rarely at ease. I couldn’t even understand it, or stop it. It was really strange.
I got beaten up by someone after I responded to his insults with the same. I learned the hard way to guard my tongue. All my life I always felt protected by God so I speak what I felt was right. This incident broke my spirit, once I realized I had no one to stick by me. I was once again reminded that I had no real friends, just acquaintances. I started to isolate myself more.
Later on, I learned that this is a shared experience of the INFJpersonality type, as we tend to be too intense for most. We seek deep understanding in our relationships and long to be understood. Diving deeper into the INFJ material did help me in my healing process at a later stage. I digress.
I used to play paintball back then and lost my heart for it. I gave my team up and left it. I used to be so passionate about it. The envious ones were more than happy that I was gone. I left the life I had. I had to leave that whole fake life I seemed to be living. I felt like I was surrounded by people, but alone. No one really cared. This was an all-familiar feeling. But I plucked up my courage and left, I have always opted for solitude over superficial company.
So I left that life behind, all of it. Soon after, I met someone. And suddenly, people turned on me. It was the strangest thing. It’s not like they were ever truly with me, to begin with, but people suddenly become toxic and hostile towards me. It was the strangest thing. It’s like I was walking around with a “kick me” sign on my back. It was obvious that people were speaking and spreading ill about me.
I have come to understand that people actually turned on me because of the person I was with. There’s racism(surprise, surprise) and also, some were hating me for my religion. Because I was starting to take Islam seriously. It’s mind-blowing to me, the lack of grace in these people.
Time and again in my life I have been disillusioned by my experiences with people. This is why I generally kept away, as a trauma response, to protect my heart. I have often been disrespected and hurt by people because of my soft nature, which is seen as a weakness by narcissistic types. They’re everywhere, but that’s another conversation.
The funny thing I have observed with people is that when you get close, they eventually hurt you. With how little you mean to them essentially, the INFJ type is big on emotional intimacy. When you keep a distance to protect yourself, they get offended because they think you are being arrogant or weak, so they also hurt you.
Racism is a primal thing. People are generally far more racist than one would imagine. It is a sickness of the heart that is alive and kicking, in most. Some people know how to put on masks. The masked society we have today is fitting. As within, so without.
When I was out with my partner I would meet so much hostility and envy. I never imagined that envy and arrogance were running so deep in so many. It was a very ugly experience seeing the true nature of people out there.
“Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them is me.”
Please Hear What I am Not Saying, Charles C. Fin
I also had a bike accident, I returned to work after I could remove my cast for a fractured elbow. When I returned, I was met with hostility. It didn’t matter to them that I was unwell. They only cared that they needed to do more work because I couldn’t be there. People I considered friends at work started to become toxic. I couldn’t understand it, then.
Then, I didn’t have the language to understand the behaviour. When I came across the word “toxic” in an article, it was a lightbulb moment for me. So that’s what I was experiencing. All I knew then, is they were not making me feel good and were being indirect about it. When I confronted them about it, they deflected. Insincere cowards, who wear masks.
They were using bullying tactics, and I just became disgusted. I mean, grow a spine and say something if you’re offended about something. To think that I considered these creatures friends. Ah, that familiar feeling of disillusionment.
I started to distance myself. What’s new? Yet you never get used to this stuff. It never hurts less. The thing with people is that you can’t live with them, yet you can’t live without them.
It was like waking up to a world of vampires. Even people in the street were being hostile. That “kick me” sign sure seemed to be on tight.
I didn’t understand this then, but I believe that Allah was removing my codependency, and replacing it with dependence on Him, the Most High. I learned the idea of “people-pleasing”, which was another eye-opener.
Shaykh Hamza Yusuf mentioned once, that language opens up worlds of understanding. This is among the greatest lessons. There are so many words and ideas I have learned along the way that have truly opened up worlds of understanding for me.
Recently, I learned about codependency. This is essentially what I suffered from, for most of my life. Codependency is sad, mostly because everyone else can see it. The narcissistic individual can probably smell a codependent from a mile away. On the spectrum, codependents are on one end, and narcissists the other. Both they are two sides of the same coin and suffer the same wounds of abandonment. One compensates by people-pleasing and the other compensates by making people please them.
He who keeps his heart near God will find peace and tranquility, whilst he who gives his heart to the people will find restlessness and apprehension.
Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya
I think this world is simply made up of narcissists who abuse and exploit codependents. Both have inner work to do, get to the healthy middle path in how we relate to each other. The narcissist may think that he’s winning by oppressing another, but in reality, he is humiliated and only destroying himself.
Eventually, as prayer became a part of my life, the anxiety melted away. It was replaced by an inner strength that I had never before experienced. I found an undying strength in my reliance on God. The “vampires” started running. It’s an amazing thing, this is truly a matter of the unseen.
Not a word was exchanged. These snakes(or vampires, take your pick), that could pick up on my codependent energy could tell that I wasn’t the same. I could literally see fear in their eyes. It’s like they realized that I could see through them.
It’s like they thought that I would wither and die, so like hyenas so they came for scraps. They were not expecting a comeback. They had an embarrassed look, feeling exposed. It’s like they had shown their fangs/took off their masks too soon.
I would be embarrassed too if people found out I’m a pathetic narcissist. The narcissist is a predator, a mirage, a paper tiger. Once you see through them, they panic. Their entire existence is based on this lie, this fake persona that they construct.
This was my rising. From darkness to fear and anguish, to strength from reliance on Allah.
جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا for reading. May Allah bring you closer to Him سبحانه و تعالى
