“When people tell you who they are, believe them.”
Maya Angelou
This is good wisdom for those healing from CPTSD, which often manifests in codependent patterns in relationships. But it’s important to know when to look. In the good times, people will easily tell us everything we want to hear. That is not when they truly tell us, who they are.
It is in moments of conflict, that is when we will find most of their true nature revealed. It can’t be helped. Another good signpost in ascerting compatibility in relationships, is ease in communication. Communication is usually difficult when someone or both are not listening. We need to know what to listen for, and how to listen. Information is overrated.
In Islam, there is no such thing as BGRs. So what’s with the Mark Groves style relationship tips? There is only marriage in Islam. So the conflicts should only be a matter of assessment of personal values, shared vision and compatibility. It’s a sacred contract, that requires loyalty, and alignment is necessary.
Don’t we see muslims in relationships before marriage? This is a sad fact. Deviance has become widespread. What do you expect when Hollywood is on the T.V? Parents are not protecting and guiding the children from the fitnah of secular ideology. At the heart of this failure is despair. Most people are living lives of quiet desperation, as intended by Shaytan.
Isn’t it ridiculously risky to simply marry someone you don’t know? We only need to know the necessary.
The reality is, before marriage, what we know is just the polished version of someone, who is presenting what they want to be seen as.
We only truly know someone when we live with them. This comes after marriage.
What we have today are women who have been abandoned by their muslim parents, allowing them to free mix with the opposite sex, and getting traumatized by the evil that inevitably is the result of it. Women lose their hijab, they lose their dignity, and self worth altogether. Allah سبحانه و تعالى has honored women. But we have oppressed ourselves as people, by not protecting our womenfolk and children from the deviance of the devil.
Men are abandoned, especially emotionally growing up. The heart of the religion is not being modelled/taught to them. The heart of the religion is in the Quran, and it was sent down as a mercy to us. Mercy is the embodiment of Islam. Men need to be taught to lower their gaze and be respectful and protective of women.
Where are the role models for men? Boys grow up watching the television and are programmed to be dayuths who put their women on display. The “tell lie vision” is a tool of mind control. Muslims are also getting afflicted by porn. When you live in a society that objectifies women you will be affected. Step by step, the path is paved for destruction.
Children are abandoned, through attachment wounds from the emotional neglect of parents, without a safe place, they seek love in haram relationships and sadly it seems most people today have been set up to lose, from their childhood.
This emotional neglect and abandonment greatly comes from the breaking of the family unit, by pulling the woman out of her home and putting her into the workforce to slave for money. Follow the money, you will find the devil at the top.
Look at the urban muslim women today, how many are SAHMs? This is the guidance of the religion of Islam, for the woman to protect and nurture the home, but the feminist muslims of today will beg to differ and present Khadijah رضي الله عنه as reference to promote their deviance. The cost of living is deliberately increased to push people into this state.
Narrated Abu Umayah Ash-Sha’bani:
“I went to Abu Tha’balah Al-Khushani and said to him: ‘How do you deal with this Ayah?’ He said: ‘Which Ayah?’ I said: ‘Allah’s saying: Take care of yourselves! If you follow the guidance no harm shall come to you (5:105).’ He said: ‘Well, by Allah! I asked one well-informed about it, I asked the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) about it. [So] he said: “Rather, comply with (and order) the good, and stay away from (and prohibit) the evil, until you see avarice obeyed, desires followed, and the world preferred, and everyone is amazed with his view. Then you should be worried about yourself in particular, and worry of the common folk. Ahead of you are the days in which patience is like holding onto an ember, for the doer (of righteous deeds) during them is the like of the reward of fifty of those who do the like of what you do.” ‘Abdullah bin Al-Mubarak said: “It was added for me, by other than ‘Utbah, that it was said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! The reward of fifty men among us, or them?’ He said: ‘No! Rather the reward of fifty men among you.'”
Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3058
People can find cracks in our armour, in holding on to the boundaries of Allah. We need to be clear and firm. Allah has made it easy for us, to be protected. We only need to remain steadfast.
What is most necessary to remain steadfast? Knowledge. But knowledge is not simply a transfer of information. If that were the case we would all be exemplary human beings, with all the knowledge that is being transmitted every second today on the information highway.
It is also important to learn to discern what is truly beneficial knowledge and what is not. This requires being exposed to true guidance. Authentic Islamic guidance. We need to deeply reflect as people on the wisdom of the boundaries of Allah, and take our knowledge from the scholars.
The “haram police” judgemental types only push people away from the truth with their ignorance, their lack of manners. Once again, is it not simply about dumping information, that something is haram to someone. This tells them they are not accepted, triggering rejection wounds and that rarely if ever, brings any benefit.
In our deeply traumatized society, we need to meet people with compassion the best we can. The mercy that Islam teaches. The mercy we may not find in the makcik next door, but we need to know Islam before we know the muslims.
This can be hard in conflict because we all often have triggers of our own from wounds that need healing. But this is why we heal, so we don’t hurt others with our pain. We should work to alchemize our pain into something that can help alleviate the suffering of others, if Allah wills.
We can’t save anyone, who doesn’t want to be saved. Some people are not ready to be saved. So it is also important for us not to be codependant and attach our happiness to the betterment of others. Mercy is also to accept the choices of others. Invite and let go. What is unfolding is Allah’s will, and it is perfect. But I digress.
The real knowlege we need with regards to red flags, is the boundaries of Allah that are being transgressed. That is the root of our suffering, and if what we all truly seek is peace and happiness, any person of sound intellect must seriously start seeking knowledge on this matter.
The biggest red flag of all, that we need to understand is the lack of taqwah. We are all on a spectrum, and we are all at different levels as we navigate life. But this needs to be a point of focus when selecting a spouse.
If we present the boundaries of Allah to abide by and we are met with recurring argumentation, it’s better to walk away. The one who can’t even not oppress himself does not have to capacity to protect our hearts. The people of desires will always find ways to justify their choices.
We just need to be clear about who we are, and select a spouse with the level of taqwah that is compatible with ours. If we pick someone that doesn’t fear trangressing the boundaries of Allah, this person will also not hesitate to oppress us for the sake of their desires.
Our greatest safety is found in marrying one that fears Allah. This is the greatest quality to seek in a spouse. The one who has the capacity to love us for the sake of Allah, is the one who has the true capacity to love us. Not the one who can spin poetry for us.
It is the level of taqwah that will decide how easily we will fall in times of fitnah. When it gets difficult, it is taqwah that prevents us from oppressing ourselves and others. It is taqwah that truly decides matters between two people. Otherwise it will be Shaytan who plays between the two, and destroys everything good.
This deeply troubled state we are in as a people is only the result of how far we have strayed from the remembrance and guidance of Allah. Allah has set boundaries for us for every area of life, to protect us.
The people of desires will call to our desires, and manipulate us into following their heedlessness if we allow them to. Be wary of this, but if we fall, we simply need to reflect and learn and rely on Allah to forgive and guide us. Don’t fall into despair.
“Only Allah will judge me” is the calling card of the hypocrite, because they don’t want to be held to account for their heedlessness. Judgment is necessary for our survival. It is looking down on others that we are not to do. Manipulators will conflate this, to suit their desires.
It’s a sad state of affairs we are in today. We are become lost as men and women, and are no longer able to relate to each other in healthy ways. Mental health issues are rampant in society. People may look okay on the surface but are deeply troubled within. I assure you, that this is the work of the devil.
What we often do today, is use our own mechanisms to get what we think we want. We are in a state of heedlessness, surrounded by darkness and deviance. We are socially engineered to fall into sin. Disobeying Allah only brings about suffering, as we end up oppressing ourselves.
Free mixing is normalized, and parents are not helping their children to find spouses. They send their kids to secular public schools to free-mix and fend for themselves. Allahu musta’an.
We can be likened to orphans as an ummah today, because we have become so disconnected to the guidance of our Creator, and disconnected to the knowledge of the scholars. We all have access to the same Quran, but it is not about the words.
It is about the words reaching our hearts. This requires sincere work and intention from us. And the help of those who know, who can help us along that path to knowing. But we need to reach knowing ourselves. We cannot be brought to it by being presented with information.
Knowledge is of different levels. To know through experience is a deeper level of knowing, and this is how even our sins can be a mercy upon us. It grants us the eye of certainty, in the consequences of our self-oppression. If we do that dive deep within.
We already have what we need in the Quran and Sunnah, but why are we not able to access it? Why are we instead, trying to find happiness in places that Allah has guided us to stay away from? There is a patience that only Allah can give us.
One of the most important lessons in our grief is our helplessness, and utter need of Allah.
We thirst for relevant role models, and guidance but we often only find truths with falsehood, and are left to operate on maxims like “take the good and leave the bad”, to navigate the darkness we are in. Even as muslims.
To mix truths with falsehood is how Satan deviates the people. This is at the heart of the “new age” mystism, and how it deviates people in relationships. Notions like “twin flame”, is the worst thing to adopt for people with CPTSD. Leave it. Take Islam. From the right people.
Knowledge must be met with contemplation. Deep contemplation, is best done in silence, in isolation. In our modern society today are we ever truly alone, to do this? We have computers and phones to keep us “company”, so even when we are alone physically, we are not rarely ever engaged in that introspective, reflective experience and practice.
Look at the app TikTok, is this the antithesis to this very important need I am pointing to. This reflective practice is being removed from us, is detrimental to our growth and understanding of our lessons in life. They want to plug you in to the Metaverse now.
So we try to self-medicate with the very things that are destroying us. Haram interactions with the opposite sex, trangressing the boundaries set by Allah, that only bring about suffering. Free-mixing has become normalized to such a state that even muslims who are aware of the prohibition are in a state of heedlessness.
And we remain in this state of heedlessness, and can fall even deeper without the self reflective practice of the Prophets(May Peace be upon them). Our loneliness stems from a disconnect with ourselves.
Before the revelation of the Qur’an, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ used to retreat for a month every year in a mountain called Hira’ in Mecca. When he would finish his seclusion he would return to circumbulate the Ka‘ba seven times before heading home.
Do we have such practices today, or are we being pulled to disconnect with ourselves with weapons of mass distraction? We may try to self-medicate with haram interactions, haram entertainment, and oppress ourselves. What we need is time to ourselves to heal our pain, and truly ponder on the guidance from our Creator.
Knowing what is haram is not enough. Deeper contemplation and pondering is necessary. Even listening to the explanations of the scholars is not enough. Scholars help us to extract the wisdom from messages given to us, to guide us.
Our light of awareness must meet and merge with what is being presented to us. It must interact, synthesize, to make meaning in our lives. It must meet our prior knowledge of reality, to fuse, synergize and allow for our transformation.
We need the right knowledge, and we need to learn how to access and apply knowledge.
It can be a painful process to face our pain, but what we have is a society of people numbing their pain with escape mechanisms. We must meet our pain with the light of awareness and the light of guidance. These three must meet for awakening.
What we often find when trying to advice others as advocates of truth is resistance and denial and worse, gaslighting. The third piece is often missing, the third piece of sincere contemplation. That sincere desire to reach truth.
How is one who doesn’t even listen to the truth of his own pain, going to be able to process the pain of the collective and show up for others? He’s too busy trying to escape his pain.
Even the religious muslim will gaslight you and call you a conspiracy theorist while he disobeys the messenger ﷺ by standing apart from each other in congregational prayers. But ten minutes later he will sit on a train brushing shoulders with a stranger in public transport. He can’t even exercise his logic because he’s too busy trying to survive.
Even introverts who are inclined to solitude are being misguided to forgot silent contemplation, with devices always ready to entertain us. What we are really doing is numbing us to our pain. Addicting us to temporary highs, constantly chasing distractions to numb ourselves from seeking deeper meaning.
The life of this world is nothing but play and distraction. But the Hereafter is better for those who fear God. Have you no sense? [6:32]
What we need to do is be present with our pain, feel it all, face our fears and heal. When we are tested as we will be, we need to sit with our pain. This is the abode of testing.
Be the compassionate presence we need for ourselves, in silence. Reflect on the guidance given to us, and the lessons being manifest in our lives. We are learning who we are as we go, it’s about deeply meeting ourselves.
Sometimes the lesson is simply to be patient, as our sincerity to Allah is being tested. When we do this we will find Allah and when we find Allah we don’t need anything else. We have never needed anything else. What we need most is to develop our relationship with ourselves and with our Lord.
May Allah make it easy. Ameen.
