Uthman b. Abu al-‘As Al-Thaqafi reported that he made a complaint of pain to Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) that he felt in his body at the time he had become Muslim. Thereupon Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said:Place your hand at the place where you feel pain in your body and say Bismillah (in the name of Allah) three times and seven times A’udhu billahi wa qudratihi min sharri ma ajidu wa uhadhiru (I seek refuge with Allah and with His Power from the evil that I find and that I fear).
Sahih Muslim 2202
Navigating Life As A Revert
What happens next? It’s not so simple as becoming a Muslim and everything is fixed. In fact, it is the beginning of getting fixed. I didn’t know this, then. The more I learn the religion, the more I see how we are in deep misguidance and drowning in sin. In this modern society.
Do people think once they say, “We believe,” that they will be left without being put to the test? The Quran, 29:2
We have been committing countless sins without even realizing it. If you have any doubts about our affairs as a human race, I invite you to watch the documentary/film, “Samsara”. It’s poignant. It is a film that elucidates the state of humanity.
Backbiting is a sin, that I was shocked to learn about. This has been so normalized in society today, you even see it on television. I remember only one or two instances when people I had met, visibly look uncomfortable when they noticed the act of backbiting. It made me ponder.
Only when I learned what it was, did I understand. It’s not that I went around bad-mouthing people, but I thought that if you spoke the truth about people it was okay. It’s not.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Do you know what backbiting is?” They said, “Allah and his messenger know best.” The Prophet said, “To mention your brother in a way he dislikes.” It was said, “What do you think if what I said about him is true?” The Prophet said, “If what you say about him is true, it is backbiting. If it is not true, it is slander.”
Sahih Muslim 2589
So I became a Muslim and had a shaky beginning. I needed community, guidance, and support to learn the religion. This is something reverts often don’t have, which I came to learn. I actually met racism instead. Even at the place where I was taught to pray! سبحان الله It turned me off, and this was nothing new. Racism.
I didn’t seek the knowledge I needed, and I didn’t really understand what I needed to do. I wasn’t compelled and didn’t even realize how much I needed help. I didn’t understand the gravity of it. I took it easy, I did my own thing.
And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sâbirun (the patient) The Quran, 2:155
I remember watching videos of Ahmed Deedat even much before I considered Islam. I loved him, even as a free thinker. He had such a powerful presence, eloquence and I loved his candor. He completely dismantled Christian preachers and demonstrated such clarity in his speech. He definitely influenced my impression of Islam.
I never considered Islam because no one ever brought the theological argument of Islam. It is truly a Godless society we are living in, how often is God mentioned in our conversations? One of the most beautiful things I realized, later on, is that God is always on the tongue of Muslims. Practicing Muslims always thanking and glorifying God in their speech.
I thought about what becoming a Muslim meant, and what kind of a life it would be. About what I had to leave, in terms of lifestyle. The image of Islam portrayed by Muslims around me was not positive. I didn’t want to enter another cultural system.
I have always intuitively looked at character. If the character of the people is good, then they must be upon goodness. It’s simple like that. One doesn’t even need theological discussions because our character reflects our spirituality.
My ego also stopped me from looking into Islam, when Shaykh Ahmad Deedat was calling to my intellect. The ego wants comfort and ease, not that which will require change and sacrifice. This is the reality of things and something that only Islam has taught me.
All that I tried to understand about the ego, to develop or free myself is infinitesimal in comparison to what I have learned from the religion of Islam. This is the highest path. This is the peak of excellence. This is the path of submission, to our One, Ever-Living God.
Ibn Al-Qayyim reported:
وَيَقُولُ الْآخَرُ لَوْ عَلِمَ الْمُلُوكُ وَأَبْنَاءُ الْمُلُوكِ مَا نَحْنُ فِيهِ مِنَ النَّعِيمِ وَالسُّرُورِ لَجَالَدُونَا بِالسُّيُوفِ
Some of the scholars would say: If the kings of the world and their sons knew what we have of blessings and happiness, they would fight us for it with their swords.
Al-Jawab Al-Kafi wa Ta’reekh Dimshaq 4475
This is not some new age subculture, not another man-made religion. You don’t treat it like a side project. This is screaming for a “one does not simply” meme, isn’t it?
Trials came. I was tested by Allah عزوجل with fear. I went through great difficulties and lost my spirit, my hope, my confidence. I started to have anxiety. At my lowest point, my heart was rarely at ease. I couldn’t even understand it, or stop it. It was really strange.
I got beaten up by someone after I responded to his insults with the same. I learned the hard way to guard my tongue. All my life I always felt protected by God so I speak what I felt was right. This incident broke my spirit, once I realized I had no one to stick by me. I was once again reminded that I had no real friends, just acquaintances. I started to isolate myself more.
Later on, I learned that this is a shared experience of the INFJpersonality type, as we tend to be too intense for most. We seek deep understanding in our relationships and long to be understood. Diving deeper into the INFJ material did help me in my healing process at a later stage. I digress.
I used to play paintball back then and lost my heart for it. I gave my team up and left it. I used to be so passionate about it. The envious ones were more than happy that I was gone. I left the life I had. I had to leave that whole fake life I seemed to be living. I felt like I was surrounded by people, but alone. No one really cared. This was an all-familiar feeling. But I plucked up my courage and left, I have always opted for solitude over superficial company.
So I left that life behind, all of it. Soon after, I met someone. And suddenly, people turned on me. It was the strangest thing. It’s not like they were ever truly with me, to begin with, but people suddenly become toxic and hostile towards me. It was the strangest thing. It’s like I was walking around with a “kick me” sign on my back. It was obvious that people were speaking and spreading ill about me.
I have come to understand that people actually turned on me because of the person I was with. There’s racism(surprise, surprise) and also, some were hating me for my religion. Because I was starting to take Islam seriously. It’s mind-blowing to me, the lack of grace in these people.
Time and again in my life I have been disillusioned by my experiences with people. This is why I generally kept away, as a trauma response, to protect my heart. I have often been disrespected and hurt by people because of my soft nature, which is seen as a weakness by narcissistic types. They’re everywhere, but that’s another conversation.
The funny thing I have observed with people is that when you get close, they eventually hurt you. With how little you mean to them essentially, the INFJ type is big on emotional intimacy. When you keep a distance to protect yourself, they get offended because they think you are being arrogant or weak, so they also hurt you.
Racism is a primal thing. People are generally far more racist than one would imagine. It is a sickness of the heart that is alive and kicking, in most. Some people know how to put on masks. The masked society we have today is fitting. As within, so without.
When I was out with my partner I would meet so much hostility and envy. I never imagined that envy and arrogance were running so deep in so many. It was a very ugly experience seeing the true nature of people out there.
“Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them is me.”
Please Hear What I am Not Saying, Charles C. Fin
I also had a bike accident, I returned to work after I could remove my cast for a fractured elbow. When I returned, I was met with hostility. It didn’t matter to them that I was unwell. They only cared that they needed to do more work because I couldn’t be there. People I considered friends at work started to become toxic. I couldn’t understand it, then.
Then, I didn’t have the language to understand the behaviour. When I came across the word “toxic” in an article, it was a lightbulb moment for me. So that’s what I was experiencing. All I knew then, is they were not making me feel good and were being indirect about it. When I confronted them about it, they deflected. Insincere cowards, who wear masks.
They were using bullying tactics, and I just became disgusted. I mean, grow a spine and say something if you’re offended about something. To think that I considered these creatures friends. Ah, that familiar feeling of disillusionment.
I started to distance myself. What’s new? Yet you never get used to this stuff. It never hurts less. The thing with people is that you can’t live with them, yet you can’t live without them.
It was like waking up to a world of vampires. Even people in the street were being hostile. That “kick me” sign sure seemed to be on tight.
I didn’t understand this then, but I believe that Allah was removing my codependency, and replacing it with dependence on Him, the Most High. I learned the idea of “people-pleasing”, which was another eye-opener.
Shaykh Hamza Yusuf mentioned once, that language opens up worlds of understanding. This is among the greatest lessons. There are so many words and ideas I have learned along the way that have truly opened up worlds of understanding for me.
Recently, I learned about codependency. This is essentially what I suffered from, for most of my life. Codependency is sad, mostly because everyone else can see it. The narcissistic individual can probably smell a codependent from a mile away. On the spectrum, codependents are on one end, and narcissists the other. Both they are two sides of the same coin and suffer the same wounds of abandonment. One compensates by people-pleasing and the other compensates by making people please them.
He who keeps his heart near God will find peace and tranquility, whilst he who gives his heart to the people will find restlessness and apprehension.
Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya
I think this world is simply made up of narcissists who abuse and exploit codependents. Both have inner work to do, get to the healthy middle path in how we relate to each other. The narcissist may think that he’s winning by oppressing another, but in reality, he is humiliated and only destroying himself.
Eventually, as prayer became a part of my life, the anxiety melted away. It was replaced by an inner strength that I had never before experienced. I found an undying strength in my reliance on God. The “vampires” started running. It’s an amazing thing, this is truly a matter of the unseen.
Not a word was exchanged. These snakes(or vampires, take your pick), that could pick up on my codependent energy could tell that I wasn’t the same. I could literally see fear in their eyes. It’s like they realized that I could see through them.
It’s like they thought that I would wither and die, so like hyenas so they came for scraps. They were not expecting a comeback. They had an embarrassed look, feeling exposed. It’s like they had shown their fangs/took off their masks too soon.
I would be embarrassed too if people found out I’m a pathetic narcissist. The narcissist is a predator, a mirage, a paper tiger. Once you see through them, they panic. Their entire existence is based on this lie, this fake persona that they construct.
This was my rising. From darkness to fear and anguish, to strength from reliance on Allah.
جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا for reading. May Allah bring you closer to Him سبحانه و تعالى
The Peace I Have Found In The Search Of Truth
I have found peace in the seeking of knowledge. Seeking knowledge that is, for the sake of getting to the truth. I feel that there is nothing more valuable than the truth. It feels like coming home, to me. I have been seeking truth and knowledge for quite a while now. For about 15-20 years or so.
“The pleasure that the student experiences when they seek knowledge overwhelms all the pleasures of this life.”
Imam Sa’di’s Tafsir (p. 704)
Before this knowledge-seeking journey, I felt like I was simply drifting through life. Not knowing my place or purpose, simply waiting for inspiration to find me. I dabbled with things and would enjoy pastimes and activities, but nothing moved my soul.
Ever since I embarked on this mission, it has been about seeking safety in understanding. Understanding how to navigate the world, and this life. How to navigate with people. People had always given me a hard time, growing up.
I never felt understood. Perhaps that sparked my desire to understand.
ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ Allah has increased me in understanding over the years. As a result, I do feel safer. Consider being saved from the hellfire, how does one even express the magnitude of it?
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever travels a path in search of knowledge, Allah will make easy for him a path to Paradise.”
Sahih Muslim 2699
I didn’t even know that hell was real! When I was young, heaven and hell were mentioned in movies and passing speech but no one around me spoke about it seriously. So it became just an idea. It wasn’t a part of my reality growing up. It became a joke.
How sad and frightening is it, that the most serious matter, the punishment of eternal hellfire becomes a joke to the people?
Ignorance has become normalized. It’s okay to not know. Some even say that ignorance is bliss. Is it? And for how long? As far as I know, my ignorance has only brought about my suffering. And increasingly, much of my effort goes into the eradication of my ignorance. The more I know, the more I come to realize how little I know.
O you, who spends his lifetime disobeying his Lord, no one amongst your enemies is wicked to you more than you are to yourself.
Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya
As I have to come to learn about the mountains of knowledge we have in the tradition of Islam, I become like a grain of sand in the desert. They would memorize entire books even at a young age, while I am here struggling to remember a mere fraction of it as a result of my sins.
The effect of our sins on our memory is something I learned about recently. There is so much knowledge that we laymen are not privy to. We are being driven to destruction.
I find that this experience of finding peace in knowledge and truth isn’t commonly shared. I find that it makes some people very uncomfortable. Anything that ruffles their set opinions, beliefs, or worldview is met with resistance, even contempt.
Maybe I have been, and still am, just highly aware of how much in need I am of guidance. Guidance to see things clearer, do things better and just be better. There’s a humility that is necessary for allowing our ideas and ourselves to be shaken, or broken.
I think that my self-development work arose out of a codependent need to become better to “earn love”. If I was this or that, I would finally be enough. Or worthy. Eventually, I have come to learn the heartbreaking lesson that love, is not earned. But that’s another subject.
Uncovering truths, breaking down matters to the core, and gaining understanding is like drinking water to me. It feels like a necessity. It’s like I need to know.
In our dystopian world of deception today, it’s not like drinking water, it’s like breathing air. Even our God-given right to breathe air is now being taken away with pseudo-scientific lies.
Truths are often inconvenient. Truth incites and demands change. I think that’s what creates discomfort in others who don’t feel the same about seeking the truth, or challenging narratives.
Truth makes us confront ourselves. And it can be daunting. Like watching “Earthlings” was to me. I was confronted with the choice of possibly realizing I might be a hypocrite who wouldn’t do the right thing after knowing what is happening to the animals or choosing not to know.
Are we disturbing the peace of others by shattering their beautiful lies? How could a lie be beautiful, is beyond me. It is the most wretched thing. It is nothing more than a disaster waiting to happen, like hell.
جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا for reading.
The Hijab in the Rig Veda
I saw a video today on Facebook, of some Hindutva boys trying to justfity their recent actions, and the comment section was simply disappointing. And then I found a gem. A muslim brother responded to a comment by a hindu claiming that the hijab was fundamentally meant to oppress all women. In his response, he quoted the Rig Veda. May Allah raise him in rank and protect him.
“When Brahma has made you a woman, you should lower your gaze and should not look up. You should put your feet together and you should not reveal what the garment and the veil conceals.” Rig Veda Book no. 8 Hymn no. 33 V. no. 19
It truly amazes me to find the commands of Allah revealed in prior scriptures. This is a serious point of contemplation for the sincere. What would be the counter argument here? I see none. There are no coincidences.
It is important for us to understand that the prior scriptures have been corrupted by men, for their own gain.
"Among them there is indeed a group who twist their tongues while (reading) the Book, so that you may deem it to be from the Book, while it is not from the Book. They say, “It is from Allah”, while it is not from Allah; and they tell lies about Allah knowingly." [Qur'an 3:78] "When Allah took a pledge from those who were given the Book: “You shall make it known to people, and you shall not conceal it,” they threw it away behind their backs, and acquired a small price for it. So, evil is what they acquire." [Qur'an 3:187] "They change words from their context and forget a part of that whereof they were admonished. Thou wilt not cease to discover treachery from all save a few of them. But bear with them and pardon them. Lo! Allah loveth the kindly." [Qur'an 5:12]
The Quran is the final revelation from Allah to us, and Allah has taken it upon himself to preserve it.
"Indeed it is We who have sent down the Reminder, and indeed it is We who will preserve it." (Qur'an 15:9) "Do they not reflect on the Qur'an? If it was from any other than God they would have found in it many discrepancies." (Qur'an 4:82) "We have sent down to you the Book for the people with the truth. Then, whoever is guided is guided for himself, and whoever goes astray goes astray to his own loss. And you are not a keeper over them." (Qur'an 39:41)
May Allah سبحانه و تعالى guide us all. جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا for reading.
My Journey to Islam
Alhamdulillah. Was salatu was salamu ‘ala Rasoolillah.
It is narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“A statement that does not begin with praise of Allah and blessing upon me, remains deficient and bereft of blessings.”
(Abu Dawud, 13/184)
I was born into and raised by a Hindu family in Singapore. I followed the ritual practices as I was taught growing up. I was intrigued by all the different idols and wondered who was the most powerful, that I could devote my worship to.
There wasn’t really a clear answer to that question. I would stare at the images hoping to connect with them. I would only get a strange, empty and uneasy feeling in my heart as I would look into the eyes of the idols. Some of them looked sinister even. None presented the benevolent deity I sought, that I could truly devote myself to. They were idols of men, women, and even animals. I also wondered why there were scary-looking demonic sculptures at the temple. I sincerely prayed, nevertheless.
As I got older, I became more of a free thinker. I could see that the Hindus around me themselves didn’t really take religion very seriously. And that had an effect. No one knew the scriptures. It was mostly culture, rituals, and tradition. I grew a distaste for the culture and gravitated towards Western culture instead.
I watched Indian movies with actors who made a mockery of their Gods, with comical scenes and dialogue. I remember a scene (or was it half the movie?) of the good and bad deities shooting arrows back and forth at one another. It was ridiculous to me, even as a Hindu. It was like watching a cartoon, although it was supposed to be a depiction of Gods.
لَوْ كَانَ فِيهِمَآ ءَالِهَةٌ إِلَّا ٱللَّهُ لَفَسَدَتَاۚ فَسُبْحَٰنَ ٱللَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلْعَرْشِ عَمَّا يَصِفُونَ “Had there been within the heavens and earth gods besides Allah, they both would have been ruined. So exalted is Allah, Lord of the Throne, above what they describe.” The Quran, 21:22
There was no reverence, it was mostly folklore and mythology. There were some movies that were serious, but they were still movies after all, and just seemed fake or overdone. In some movies, the idols would take revenge on the bad guys in the end and justice would be served. But that did not relate to my experience. Sometimes actors would even express anger at Gods for not responding to them. It just didn’t make a lot of sense.
I wanted to know my Creator. I knew this wasn’t it.
I stopped praying to the idols when I realized that I only prayed to ask for things. I somehow felt like a hypocrite for it. I become curious about other religions, to seek answers about God.
I remained a free thinker for the most part of my 20s. I believed there is a God, and I couldn’t ascribe an image to Him. I needed to know more. The religions I had exposure to, just seemed amiss. They didn’t resonate as truth. When I was young my family mentioned that Islam is very strict, when we casually talked about other religions. When I was young I did find Islam to be unique and interesting in how there were no images, and all I could see was Arabic calligraphy.
In the later part of my youth, I was exposed to new age mysticism and philosophy through the internet and I started to take on some of these ideas to form my worldview. I became interested in personal development, spirituality, meditation, yoga, and stuff like that. I sought the magical experience of what they call “enlightenment”.
New age mysticism lures people in with the mysterious nature of occult knowledge by mixing truths with falsehood. This I have come to understand now. As I revert I feel for those who are still being duped by this industry. It is filled with charlatans. I thought that I was getting wiser yet in reality I was only getting arrogant. Knowledge can be a double-edged sword in this way.
Approaching my 30s, I started to watch more documentaries and became exposed to the dark realities of the world. I became more serious about seeking the truth. It was the beginning of my awakening. Documentaries like “Loose Change” and “Gaslands” shocked me. “Earthlings” was a cathartic experience for me and I had to force myself to complete watching it. I cried a lot at the suffering of the animals. After I finished it, I turned decided to turn vegan.
The morning after deciding to turn vegan, I woke up to growling in my ear. It was an angry low growl that sounded like a dog. I had a dog and I thought it could have been my dog. Because I felt it so close to me. I woke up and my dog wasn’t there. My dog also doesn’t growl angrily at me without good reason.
This lasted about a couple of years or more. I also learned about the dark side of Hollywood, and the assassination of JFK also deeply affected me.
While I was a vegan looking for answers, someone asked me to watch the documentary “The Arrivals”. It had a dark vibe and I couldn’t keep watching it and I dropped it initially. There was a shock factor to it once again and I had to make myself return to it for the sake of seeking truth, regardless of how uncomfortable it made me. I managed to finish watching it when I returned to it. It was another paradigm shift, but this was an even more spiritual one than the decision to go vegan.
This time, I was finally facing the reality of God. I was finally seeing the invitation to the religion that is true. I realized the battle of good and evil that was taking place in real life, just like the movies. I had to make a decision. I could not look away, I had to choose a side.
I chose the religion of God and started to move towards Islam. I could see the enemy very clearly, and it is seeing the devil that led me to God.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”
– Charles Baudelaire
The evil of 9-11 shook me to the core. The devil became real for me. It led many like me towards Islam even though they started this blatant attack on Islam using it. They may work tirelessly to destroy religion, but it’s really just pathetic.
But they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners. The Quran, 8:30
Soon after, I converted to Islam and took a leap of faith. I trusted that my intuition was right, although I had not yet truly a strong understanding of the religion. I knew in my heart that this is God’s religion(through His enemies) even though I was not seeing it evident its people. I did not have very strong impressions from my interactions with Muslims. And I did not really have someone to guide me as I walked into this path.
There were a couple of brothers who did reflect the authenticity of the religion before I converted, and I still keep in touch with them to this day. They have good character. And it was also evident to me that it was emanating from their faith. It may be a subtle thing, but it really matters how we show up to the world as Muslims.
May Allah raise them in rank and grant them Jannatul Firdaus. What they do for the world is immeasurable. These are brothers who had always prayed at work, and that act alone did have an effect on me. Although I was not too conscious of it. I would be curious about their steadfastness in prayer. They would leave to pray at different times during the day, regardless of inconvenience. This is something I did not see in other religions. How seriously they took it, said a lot without them needing to talk about their faith at all. They didn’t seem to be simply following cultural practices.
Muslims can make a huge difference in the world simply by our sincerity in practice. Without even saying a word. We are all always observing each other. I could also sense the effect that prayer had on them. They were brothers who reflected good character. They demonstrated a sense of inner strength, patience, and earnestness. It is my hope that I may also reflect the qualities of a believer of Allah like these brothers and do well in this test of life.
So I become a Muslim and was essentially reborn. This is the beginning of the rest of my journey.
جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا for reading.