Sometimes, some people will leave us in the lurch when they don’t like what we reveal to them about themselves. I have come across people who will start to dismiss you when you start to set boundaries, or disagree with them.
If they see that they are no longer able to manipulate us to see things their way or submit to their needs, they will simply discard us. Like an object. Erased from existence. Like we never mattered. This can be deeply triggering for those with abandonment wounds.
It has been quite a journey. This journey of life is ultimately self discovery. Allah already knows who we are, and reveals who we are to ourselves, through His Qadr. It is not easy to face the darker parts of ourselves. It brings up shame. Often, it seems to be toxic shame, that doesn’t even belong to us.
It takes courage to face our darkness. Courage that will leave us feeling alone, if we try to walk this journey with people who doesn’t share this value. It takes courage to face our shame, because it is probably our greatest fear as people, the fear of humiliation. But what is more humiliating than begging for love?
It is in these moments, that we realize that this loneliness, that we try so hard to cure in various ways, this hole in our hearts… can only be filled by the remembrance of our Creator. That is if we get to that realization. That is the gift in our pain. As Rumi says, “The wound is where the light enters.”
This phenomena of ghosting, discarding, these avoidant behvaiours are deeply unsettling for someone who seeks connection. I have learned some things about attachment styles for the past couple of years and it has helped me make sense of these dehumanizing behaviours. These behaviours are becoming widespread in modern society.
Essentially, these people simply run away rather than to face the discomfort of difficult honest conversations. This looks like a product of the narcissistic society that we are groomed in. The nature of the nafs was described by Shaykh Omar Baloch succinctly, as that primal instinct in us that goes, “I want it, now”. That’s what our society feeds, and people don’t have the patience to sit with another through their difficulty, even when they caused it.
It is still hard navigating this journey, even with our ever-evolving relationship with our creator. Our sincerity is always tested. I have found that the best company is the seeking of knowledge and the company of the pious.
But with Islam, there is a clear path. There is method to navigate the madness of this world. The path may be difficult and demanding. But the path is true. The question is whether we are able to stay true to the covenant we made with Allah, or not.
May Allah make it easy. Ameen.